I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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