I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
