Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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