My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
