i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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