I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
