Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
