I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
