Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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