Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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