im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Randomize
