new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
