i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
