well you can't waste a boner
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
