i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
