I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
