I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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