I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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