You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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