: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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