we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
