Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
