He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm always down for nudity.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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