i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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