im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
