just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Less talking, more tequila
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
