i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
