I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Blood and glitter go together right?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
