he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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