he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
