I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
