note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
