mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
