he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
