Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
