I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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