Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
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