Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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