so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
my liver is dry heaving
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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