I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
