Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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