Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
