I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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