This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
