You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
do herpes really smell.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
