he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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