im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
