4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
