Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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