Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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