today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
